Do you get annoyed when people complain?

In my work with people, I often encounter a recurring theme: complaints. Complaints about partners, workmates, teams, employees, and bosses. It’s human nature to vent when things don’t go our way. My first step, of course, is to listen, really listen. But then, I ask a crucial question: What is the commitment behind this complaint?

In other words, what are you committed to that makes this issue so bothersome? What’s the vision or value that’s not being honored, causing you to feel this dissonance?

Let me give you an example from my own life. Years ago, when I was the president of a co-op board (not shocking, right?), I would frequently hear complaints from residents. They’d complain about the lobby furniture, the flowers in front of the building, you name it. I realized that to effectively address these complaints, I needed to become skilled at listening for the commitment behind them. Because often, people don’t articulate their commitment; what they express is the complaint.

Take the flowers, for instance. One resident was particularly vocal: “I hate these flowers! They have no color. Why do we have these disgusting flowers in front of our building?” My initial reaction could have been dismissive or defensive, something like, “Well, why don’t you join the board and take care of it if you’re so concerned?” But instead, I paused and thought: What commitment does she have that’s making this an issue for her?

So, I asked her, “Are you committed to having a colorful, beautiful front for our building?” Her face lit up, and she said, “Yes, that’s exactly what I want!” Suddenly, we were no longer stuck in the world of complaints. We were in the world of commitments. I suggested, “Great, let’s work together to make that happen. How about forming a flower committee? Would you like to lead it?”

Her demeanor completely changed. What started as a negative, frustrating interaction transformed into something positive, uplifting, and empowering, all because we shifted the focus from the complaint to the commitment behind it.

This is a powerful approach we can use in our relationships, both personal and professional. When someone complains, it’s easy to get caught up in the specifics of the complaint and start justifying or defending whatever it is they’re unhappy about. But that only keeps you stuck in a cycle of negativity.

Instead, try this: stay out of the world of complaints and step into the world of vision, dreams, and commitments. Ask yourself, and the other person, What are you really committed to? What is the vision or value that this complaint is bumping up against?

You don’t have to use these exact words, but the essence is the same: focus on what’s important, not just what’s wrong. When you do this, you open the door to solutions, collaboration, and a much more constructive conversation.

I’d love to hear how this resonates with you. Have you tried shifting from complaints to commitments in your own life? Drop me a line, I respond to every email, and I’m always eager to hear from you.